Ayoi’s

2008 near its end. As usual during this period, I always looked back and try to find any milestone achievement for this year. Find any aspects that I can and must improve, acknowledge on the mistakes done or in other words, I’ll performed the “Lesson learned” analysis on myself. So far I am so grateful to my Maker for helping me achieve most of my goals of joining this company and involving in this industry or field. I have no complaints, no regrets but perhaps some disappointment as well. Well like what people said, you just can’t have it all or the term that I’ve learned in my Economic class back in 90s, “The next best alternative forgone.”

Anyway, I’ve noticed few changes on my own self development. It doesn’t matter how hard I tried to get seriously involved in management duties, it seems that most of the time I am at lost. Currently I am the head of one of the units in our department. I did draft some strategic plan, implementation plan, goals and targets, objectives and mission but heck like what I’ve said before, I’m lost.

Yeah it is nice to have this “head” title printed on your business card along with other things but then I did ask myself whether or not I performed the required tasks as a “head”. Most of the time I would say no compared to yes. What have happened actually?

Sadly, I can’t answer that question with definite answer. Maybe because of the mindset? I always see myself as the techie guy but wifey always remind me that in order to progress (and getting a good pay too) I need to move into management. To be honest, I do love performing techie thingy like doing analysis either detailed or not. Either network attacks analysis, malware analysis or others. It seems that I dun mind producing papers regarding those activities but I have this problem when preparing monthly reports on certain client. Strange? I guess so..

So for time being, I am contemplating of resigning from the current post that I held. I dun think it is fair for me or the company if this kind of performance from me continues in 2009. Am I giving up? No. I think I just not prepared yet to jump into management side. Do I sound like a moron? Yeah perhaps but I guess like I said before, I dun have the audacity to breach other people trust especially from my Bosses. I try to earn  honest pays as those will be used to raise my family though

I have this phrase that I always said to my siblings or to my colleague,

“Be what you want to be, not what you have to be.”

I think it is about time that I utter these words to myself..

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